Look out Sports! There's a New Sherrif in Town!

Well, they voted and... wow. All of a sudden I am in charge of pro sports. And my first action as universal commissioner is a reform in rules. Here goes:

• Playoff beards must be REAL beards (sorry, Sidney Crosby)
  


• If after 6 innings, a pitcher has a perfect game, or even a no-hitter intact, replay is fair game for ALL plays.



• If you knock down Joe Thornton, you get a cherry pie and a pat on the back.



• NFL players who whine about safety rules will be blindfolded and placed in a junkyard with at least ten angry dogs with no exit, then asked for their opinion on safety.
  


• If a manger leaves the pitcher in after he lets up 6 runs or more, the fans get to storm the field and take him out themselves.



• Good-bye Lebron James.



• When ESPN talks about baseball they MUST spend at least half of the time talking about something other than the Yankees.



• If a soccer player takes a fall, you get to hang him from the net by his shorts.



• Every athlete must take a large dose of truth serum, then appear before the press and admit to whether or not they used steroids.



• Slam dunks cannot be part of ESPN's top 10.



• And there goes Michael Vick



• If a hockey ref gives a team three power plays in a row, all on blown, easy calls, he has to fight with one of the players he put in the box for 20 seconds.



• All closers have to be as cool as Jose Valverde. Or at least almost as cool.



• If an analyst calls a certain athlete the "best player in the world" and that athlete hasn't won MVP or a championship within the past four years, it's a $500 fine.



• If a player takes a cheap shot while the ref's back is turned, he must tap the ref on the shoulder, admit what he did, and finish every sentence with, "And I'm a stinking coward" for the rest of the week.



• No sport can allow more than three timeouts (no more marathon college basketball games)



• If Rex Ryan talks smack before a game, then fails to back it up, he must spend five hours explaining to a press conference why his team is so much worse than the other team and how he is a terrible coach.



• SportsCenter must spend at least 10 minutes a day talking about the NHL during hockey season, 20 during the playoffs.



• If you get sucker punched by another player, you get to toss him in the bleachers, allowing the fans to discipline him.



• BOTH guys on PTI have to be at the studio for the same show at least three times a week.



• In baseball: ONE cup adjustment/glove tightening/digging of cleats per inning.



• Referees can no longer try to eliminate the Red Wings from the playoffs.



• The Norris trophy is now the Lidstrom trophy.



• 9 goals in a game really is an Ovechtrick



• NBA and NFL players must spend more time playing and practicing than shooting commercials.



• If a player or players hit/spray the goalie, the goalie can stuff him in an equipment back, zip it shut (with air holes), and drive around for four hours with the bag in the back of his pickup truck.